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Jokes you have heard
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| Posted 4 months ago
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
440 posts back to top |
| Posted 2 months ago Our Mexican Maid Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' Wife: 'So how much do you want?' |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted about 1 month ago
SUMBICH!!!!
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted about 1 month ago RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies still lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale. |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Our local newspaper uses a computerized headline generating software for all major stories. This software became corrupt and they ended up going back to the old manual way of creating a headline, the human imagination. Well a major story broke and a reporter assigned. It turns out that a man who was down on his luck, lost his job decided to have his wife killed since she had a rather large life insurance policy. He met this guy named Artimus, but goes by Artie at a local dive. While having a few drinks the guy tells Artie his plan to have his wife killed. Artie offers his services for this deed for $1000 but wants a down payment. The guy thinks about it a minute and takes up Artie's offer, but only had a dollar left. Artie takes the dollar as a down payment. Artie tracks the man's wife to learn her routine. Unfortunately, while at home she always has friends over and he can't do the job at night as the husband needs to have an alibi. He does notice one thing though, the wife likes doing her grocery shopping at Walmart at about 4 a.m. and he thinks the store is slow enough that he can pull it off without any witnesses. One morning he followed her into Walmart. She was in the produce isle when he snuck up on her from behind and strangled her with a slipknot. As her dead body hits the floor, he looks up and sees the produce manager running up to him. Knowing that his crime has been revealed, he applies the same slipknot technique to the manager killing him. Unfortunately, his deeds were captured on video and Artie is promptly arrested. The deadline for the article was quickly approaching and the reporter could not come up with a headline that the Editor would approve. It was just minutes before press time and the reporter submitted the headline on his own as he could not find the Editor anywhere around to approve it. The Editor was outraged with the reporter for not getting it approved prior to the presses rolling but ended up laughing his butt off when he read the headline, "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART." |
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503 posts back to top |
| Posted about 1 month ago Here's one I know you've heard, but I still love it. There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 12 days ago A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. |
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| Posted 12 days ago Three women, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde were sitting in a bar. The bartender, thinking himself God's gift to women strolled up to them. He said to the brunette, "What are you having baby?" She answers, "I'd like a DBM." Looking puzzled he said, "I don't understand what that is." She looked at him and stated sharply, "It is a Dry Beefeater's Martini!" The bartender asked the redhead, "OK sweetheart, what would you like?" She answered, "I would like to have a GT please." He stood there thinking and finally asked her, "Would that be a gin and tonic?" which she replied, "I would just absolutely adore a 15!" Looking really puzzled for several seconds and finally states, "Um, I thought I might be getting the hang of this but you stumped me. What is a 15?" She looked at him with a disbelieving stare and said, "It is a 7 and 7, duhhhhhh!!" And on a technical note....
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