Group Forums >> Joke of the day >> Jokes you have heard
Jokes you have heard
440 posts back to top |
| Posted 8 months ago
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." This student received the only A. -Unknown |
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| Posted 8 months ago Haha, I love this one Phreadd. I have heard it before, but it still is a classic. Now that is analytical and critical thinking. The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 8 months ago
I war really depressed last night so I called a LifelineCenter...
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Account Removed 
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| Posted 8 months ago LOL!! |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 8 months ago Latest from Montana
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!' |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 8 months ago
IRS Audit
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 8 months ago Enlightenment: Internal Revenue 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant. Now you are as enlightened as I am. |
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| Posted 8 months ago If you take up hiking in the West, you could possibly run into bears. Therefore, we advise that you carry a can of pepper spray and wear bells. The bells announce that you are coming, and the pepper spray, of course, is for when the bear doesn't listen the first time. On a related note, there are different species of bears in the West. Most common are grizzley bears and brown bears. They look very similar, but you can tell them apart. A brown bear's scat will have traces of berries, nuts and seed hulls in it, while a grizzley bear's scat typically has bells and smells like pepper spray. Be careful out there. |
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| Posted 8 months ago Lmao, bells and pepper spray, that's funny! The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
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| Posted 7 months ago
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities..
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board!' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
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| Posted 6 months ago Frustrated Enough to Cuss |
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| Posted 6 months ago Lmao, figures someone in KY would come up with that. The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
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| Posted 6 months ago Many people believed that the only way a black man would become President is when pigs would fly. One hundred days into Obama's presidency: Swine flu. |
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| Posted 6 months ago NICKNAMES
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| Posted 6 months ago
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! |
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| Posted 6 months ago Who parks in the handicap spots at the Special Olympics? |
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| Posted 6 months ago
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Laura Lou’ written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, ‘Laura Lou’ was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"
She replied... "Your horse called."
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| Posted 6 months ago nice one, phreadd
there was a man from nantucket, who's . . . . sorry, i lost my mind there for a second. |
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| Posted 6 months ago Haha, Shadowguard. You know, I don't think I have ever heard that one finished, just the first line. I wonder why The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
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| Posted 6 months ago probably because you have better tast then us creeps. |
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| Posted 6 months ago A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization: Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket..
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly... Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' |
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| Posted 5 months ago DO YOU BELIEVE THERE WAS SUCH A DAY? One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day . The End. The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
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| Posted 5 months ago For all you men out there....There is proof that there is no women in heaven..It says in the bible "the gates of heaven opened and there was peace."
That's proof positive that there are no women in heaven..if there was there would have been no peace.
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| Posted 5 months ago A man riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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| Posted 5 months ago Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background chec ks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
0A The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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2760 posts back to top |
| Posted 5 months ago Dear Viewers Across the Country, We know you are watching, we can see how many views there are. We, the few that post, would like for you to join us! The more the merrier! We don't bite, even though we say we do. We are all bark and no bite, well, bites in fun only LOL. Join a group and comment on a discussion that you like, join us at the Water Cooler, we post there every day. Start your own group, make friends with people in the site. There is so much to do here, take advantage of it. The few of us that post have made really good friends with each other and you can too! You don't have to be a literary editor to post something, nobody is going to jump all over you because you spell something incorrectly. The important thing is that you try even if it's just an "I agree" or "I disagree" or 'LOL". It let's us know you are there and want to contribute. We are always available for help, all you need to do is ask any of us. We, the few that post, would like to encourage all viewers to join us in making this site all that it can be. And, what the heck, it's FREE! Friendly in Fort Lauderdale, MustangBarry Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 5 months ago Disorder in the American Courts _________________________ ___________ |
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440 posts back to top |
| Posted 5 months ago
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.” |
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2760 posts back to top |
| Posted 4 months ago
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 4 months ago There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.' --John Wayne |
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