Group Forums >> Joke of the day >> Jokes you have heard
Jokes you have heard
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| Posted about 1 year ago question: where does dragon milk come from? answer: a cow with short legs.
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| Posted about 1 year ago Tough day in court |
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| Posted about 1 year ago Grandma's Birth control pill The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. |
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| Posted about 1 year ago I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? |
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| Posted about 1 year ago When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace |
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| Posted about 1 year ago czar says ... Deer Camp The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly, they decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first night John slept in Steve's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink, I just watched h im all night.' The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man. The next mor ning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The guys couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long. Just awsome |
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| Posted about 1 year ago "How to tell if you need to pray at work... When a coworker comes in a "little to happy" singing "good morning" to When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, When you and a coworker are discussing something and a 3rd person comes in When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses When your asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone b/c If you had ever sat at your desk all day and played Solitaire, Free Cell,
At this rate i'll be praying more than anything else at work lol Miss Lee R. Meyer
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| Posted about 1 year ago
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .. A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart .'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart , eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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| Posted 11 months ago All right I have a lame one for you. Daughter goes home and tells her mom that she is "PREGNANT"! Mom asks, "How did that happen?" The Daughter says, "Must be something in the air that is going around!" Mom Says, "The only thing that is in the air going around are your legs!" HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! LMAO |
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| Posted 11 months ago Little Johnny"s mother was washing dishes and looking out the window and she could see little johnny sitting on the curb outside the house. Little Johnny would set down on the curb and grab a cat that was following him, pet the cat, let it go and stand up and walk down the curb a little ways and do this all over again. After watching Johnny move down the curb several times and each time pet the cat the mother was quite qurious as to what the little boy was doing. Later she called him in for lunch and over his sandwich she asked him "Little Johnny was game were you playing with the cat by the street?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and replied "Truck driver Mommy!" The mother couldn't understand the reasoning behind this and finnally asked "How were you playing truck driver with the cat?" Little Johnny rolling his eyes says "You know getting a little pus and moving down the road" |
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| Posted 11 months ago What do you call a house with no windows? An ihouse! |
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| Posted 11 months ago Grossest joke I ever heard...you have been forewarned! A leper is sitting at a bar having a drink when a man enters and sits at the other end of the bar. The man orders a drink, looks over at the leper and throws up. The man orders another drink, looks towards the leper and suddenly throws up again. The leper looks at this guy in complete disbelief when once again the man looks at him and throws up. Finally, the leper has had enough, he walks over to the man at the bar and says," Look, man, if you don't like my appearance, then quit staring at me!" The man at the bar says, "I wasn't looking at you, I was looking at the guy next to you dipping his chips in your neck!" Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 10 months ago Why dont cannibals eat CLOWNS? because they taste FUNNY!
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| Posted 10 months ago Fortune Cookie Say:
-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.
-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone. -- Man who run in front of car get tired. -- Man who run behind car get exhausted. -- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. -- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. -- Man with one chopstick go hungry. -- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails. -- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. -- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk. -- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left. -- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 10 months ago Phreadd says ... Bear Remover A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." That's a gud one. Cheers |
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| Posted 10 months ago Little Jimmy is playing truant from St.Patrick's Junior School. He's in his room playing on his Xbox when he hears a car pull up on to the drive and his mother get out, talking to someone. There's no where to hide in Jimmy's room so he goes hides in the small unlit cupboard in his parent's bedroom. His Mum and the stranger come into the room and through a crack in the door he sees that his mum is playing the naked wrestling game she usually plays with his Dad John. But Jimmy can't make out who the stranger is. Suddenly his Mum shouts out "Oh God, its John, quick hide!" the cupboard door opens and the stranger jumps in still struggling into his clothes, jumper over his head, while his mother gets dressed and goes to greet her husband.
After a few minutes wee Jimmy says "Its bloody dark in here."
The stranger almost jumps out of his skin in shock "What are you doing here?"
"Hiding like you Mister...I like your watch." says Jimmy
"What? Listen boy please be quiet or we will be found" says the stranger
"I like your watch, I wish I had a watch like that."
The stranger takes it off and hands it to Jimmy pleading with him to be quiet as Jimmy has a high pitched piercing voice that is instantly recognisable and will be heard by his father through the cupboard door if he comes into the room.
"You know I'd like a new Xbox game but I can't afford one, do you have any Xbox games mister, maybe we could swap."
The stranger is now desperate for the boy to be quiet as he can hear his mother and father climbing the stairs. He pulls out some notes from his wallet "Now you've got my watch and some money for new games now please please please be quiet or we'll be discovered."
Little Jimmy is so happy with his new watch and the thought of buying new Xbox games he goes quiet. Through the crack in the door he sees his mum and dad are playing the wrestling game; mum must really like wrestling! Eventually night falls and little Jimmy's parents leave the house and the stranger can escape.
Several days pass and Jimmy is playing truant from school again. His mother catches him this time and finds that he has a new watch and is playing a new computer game. She question Jimmy and doesn't believe him when he says a stranger gave him the watch and money as a gift. She gives Jimmy a big lecture about how stealing is a sin and how she's going to take him to Confession the next day so he can ask God for forgiveness. So next day she takes Jimmy to church. It becomes time for Jimmy to step into the Confessional box. Jimmy steps inside and closes the door saying "Its bloody dark in here." From the other side of the screen recognising the high pitched voice Father Flyn says "Hell's teeth kid you've got my watch and money, how much more do you want from me to keep quiet?"
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| Posted 10 months ago The true origin of the Internet: The True Origin of the Internet
'Amazon Dot Com'. 'Why dost thou travel far from 'How, dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.' And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it 'We need a name that reflects what we are.' 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.' 'YAHOO!' said Abraham. Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
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| Posted 10 months ago
-Gotta LOVE those flyboys!
This is very funny.
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.
If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.
"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have, John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do . . . Do Not Go! ! ! The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight. Not unlike Colin Montgomerie, I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down." The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -like! Cras h or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it . A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vert! ical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie. And I egressed the bananas. And I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought it would be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. I used to know 'cool.' Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool.' Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. "What is it?" I asked. "Two Bags."  God Bless America |
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| Posted 10 months ago A man finds out he has a terminal disease and only has a few weeks to live.He gets together his three best friends, his lawyer, his doctor, and his priest. The man says, "I know everyone says you can't take it with you, but I believe I've figured out a way to." He then hands each of his friends an envelope with $100,000 cash in it. "At my funeral I want each of you to place your envelope in the casket with me. That way I'll get to take it with me." A few weeks later the man passes away and the funeral is held. The three friends are riding back in a limo together. The lawyer turns to the other two men and says, " I have to confess something here, our friend new that I have been trying for years to start up a free legal aid clinic and have been having trouble raising the funds I need. So I took $35,000 out of my envelope and left the rest." The doctor then turns to his friends and says, " Well, since we are 'fessing up, our buddy new that I have always wanted to go to South America and start up a free clinic in a small village, but I lacked the funds, so I took $50,000 out of my envelope." The priest looks over at his two friends and says, "I cannot believe what I'm hearing here, I'm ashamed of the both of you! Why I put a check for the entire amount in my envelope!"
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| Posted 9 months ago Getting old is so hard at times. Yesterday I got Preperation "H" mixed up with Polygrip. Now I talk like an asshole. Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 9 months ago Blonde Make-Up A blonde is putting on her make up, using the mirror on a compact, when she's suddenly drawn to the person staring back at her in the mirror. She cannot believe her eyes! She swears the person in the mirror looks familiar. Puzzled, she alerts her blonde friend. She hands the compact to her friend, to which the friend replies, "Stupid, it's me!" |
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| Posted 9 months ago Where do you keep your condoms? My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. |
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| Posted 9 months ago Wife in Coma A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she had been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in and then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened. The man replied, 'She choked.' |
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| Posted 9 months ago Never Been Screwed A man was walking down a beautiful beach when he sees a girl with no arms and legs crying. He says to her, “Why are you crying?” She says, “I am a 21 year old girl with no arms and no legs and I have never been kissed.” The man, feeling bad for the girl, bends down and gives the girl the softest and most beautiful kiss. The girl was so happy. The man feeling happy about what he did continues to walk down the beach when he hears her crying again. He says to her, “Why are you crying now?” The girl says back to the man,” I am a 21 year old girl with no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed before. The man bends down, picks the girl up, throws her into the ocean and says, “You’re screwed now babe!” |
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| Posted 9 months ago Be Strong Honey I Love You An escaped convict was on the run. Looking for a place to hide, he breaks into the first house he can find. Inside, he finds young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my Ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too"... |
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| Posted 9 months ago A Very Special Gift Four our 10th anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Paris. Four our 25th anniversary, I'll pick her up! |
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| Posted 9 months ago Bad Fish Q: Why don't lobsters like to share? A: They're shellfish. |
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| Posted 9 months ago I recieved this in an email the other day....... thought it was funny so I'll pass it on Technology for Country FolkDate: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 11:27:15 +0600 ~ LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. ~ LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. ~ MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. ~ DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk. ~ MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood. ~ FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from tryin' ta carry too much farwood. ~ RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. ~ HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time. ~ PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. ~ WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside. ~ SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season. ~ BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do. ~ CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. ~ MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag. ~ MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields. ~ DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. ~ LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. ~ KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys. ~ SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes. ~ MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. ~ MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf. ~ PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. ~ ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all". ~ RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yer wife asks. ~ MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. |
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| Posted 9 months ago What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets. Unleash Your Mustang Side! |
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| Posted 9 months ago A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks "what happened?' The frog says "I dont know, it started as a wart on my ass." The forgetful fishy........I think??!!?? |
