InsideTech

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary, and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try it with the engine running!"

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like...night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell
happened.

RE:
Think about this….

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)............................................

god thats good!

Man is driving down the road and hits and kills a rabbit.  He is devistated.  While he is out and kneeling down looking at the poor bunny a blonde in a sports car comes up and stops.  She sees the situation and gets a spray can from out of her bag.

She sprays the rabbit a few times, turns it over, and sprays again.

The man watches in amazement as the bunny begins to move, then stands up!  It turns to the man, waves, hops a few yards, waves again, hops a few yards and waves again, and continues till it is out of sight.

The man asks the blonde what she sprayed on the bunny. She hands him a can of hair spray and points to the label:

"Adds life to dead hair, adds perminate wave...."

Twelve and a Chaser

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

The Vise Squad

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire."

Story of Man & Ostrich !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,

'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,

'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

 

'That will be $9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.

 

'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.' The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

 

'Same,' says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

 

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

 

The waitress asks, 'But what's with the ostrich?

 

'The man sighs and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a

busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic 

zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of 

traffic. 

 

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked 

drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. 

 

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the 

other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, 

and offers it to the dog. 

 

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his 

amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your 

dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" 

 

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out 

where his head is, so I can kick his ass." 

The Waiting Room



This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,

and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is

embarrassing.



There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is

wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have

experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the

desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why

you're here to see the doctor today?"



"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.



The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," ! he said .



The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this

roo m full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in

private"



The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of

strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,

waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"



"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.



The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"



"I can't piss out of it," he replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter.



Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He looks at his wife and says "now see hun this is what a pig looks like."

She says back "Hey dumb ass that a sheep."

He resonds back to her "Im not talking to you."

• Brunette Meets Genie
  
  A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
  

  The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

  
  

  The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

  
  

  The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

  
  

  The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

  
  

  The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

  
  

  The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

  
  
  
  

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.



After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'



Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.



'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'



The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'



The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'



The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'



The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'



The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"