InsideTech

Hand-Me-Down

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Puppy Heaven

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Phreadd said:

Boudreaux

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be
real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun
Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good
grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a
Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Old but always enjoyable...

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Dog food diet

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

How to tell if you need to pray at work...

When a coworker comes in a "little to happy" singing "good morning" to
everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the sh.t out of her...You
need to pray at work

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and
you think, "what the f..k do they want now."........You need to pray at
work

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say,
"which one of you sons of bit... turned off my computer." You need
to pray at work

When you and a coworker are discussing something and a 3rd person comes in
and says, "well at my last office", and you want to throw a stapler at
him......You need to pray at work

When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the hell does this b...h want now and you try to hide
underneath your desk".........You need to pray at work

When your asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first
thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my @ss!!".......You need to pray at work

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for
minutes waiting for the darn thing and they only go DOWN one floor, and
you say "that lazy a.. b..t.rd"......You need to pray at work

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry ass m#$^%f%&#s"....... You need to pray at work

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or
flattening someones tires that you work with ...... You need to pray at
work

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone b/c
you know it's going to lead to their life story........ You need to pray
at work

If you had ever sat at your desk all day and played Solitaire, Free Cell,
Jeopardy, Hearts or any other game then get pissed when someone walks into
your office and you have to stop playing.......You need to pray at work.

To Diet For

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

There were these two naked statues in central park, a male and a female. One day God came down and told them "You two statues have been so good, I am going to grant you 30 Minutes of life" and POOF they were both alive and running into the bushes were a lot of rustling noises could be heard. After only 15 Minutes they both came out with a very satisified look on there faces, and God said "what are you doing, you still have another 15 Minutes" to which the guy statue turns to the girl statue and say's "Great!! This time you hold the pigeon, I wanna POOP on its head!!"

Here's anger....

Recently a man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off
his penis.
Seems his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket, and she got so
mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis
while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) having your girlfriend find out you're married;

2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis

3) or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly, they decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night John slept in Steve's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was Garry's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink, I just watched h im all night.'
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next mor ning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said.
The guys couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.

Subject: Fw: Anger Management

It is a little long but it is a quick read..... Great idea! ha!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f......ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller, ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller, ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow Rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole 1.

He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax, it's a yellow rambler and I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole 2.

He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole."

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY

Not quite PC...

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of sh*t in our garden.”

Think about this....

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have
withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause
people to seek medical attention.