InsideTech

OK, no more poopychoccyfloaty. I have something NEW. It's called the Poopy Dance! Yayyyyyy! It goes like this...

You put your left foot left and your right foot right, then you squat, squat, squat.

You close your eyes real tight and make a strained grimace, then you grunt, grunt grunt.

Yeah baby, your doing the Poopy Dance, c'mon everyone now...

 Dear MustangBarry Luuuuurv Doctor (struck off)

This may not exactly be a love problem but an obstacle to love problem.

I believe that I may be being targeted by pub gremlins that are interferring in my pursuit of new love.  For instance I'm out the other night,  having a good time, I've agreed to hook up with some beautiful intelligent women later in the night and then the gremlins strike.  One minute I'm having a good time and the next I'm wearing my brother's pint after the gremlins knock it over. Meaning that rather than hook up with the fair maidens looking like I have poor bladder control I go home early.

Is there any way to escape the attention of the pub gremlins.  They are exrtremely cunning as shortly after the pint knocking incident they placed a curse on my brother so he could hardly open his eyes, was doing some strange hand jiving thing which if he was not careful would knock someones pint over and then shortly after fell asleep so that I had to wake him to tell him I was going to catch the night bus.

I thought improving my karma may help so on the way to the bus I swapped shirts with a stranger who said they really liked mine.  But is there a sure fire way to stop the pub gremlins from getting in the way of my pursuit of true love.

Yours

Pub bather of Burton (who has too much time on his hands due to being a beer magnet)

Dear Pub Bather of Burton,

Oddly enough, I get many letters from people suffering from pub gremlins! Obviously, pub gremlins lurk in pubs and if you don't want them to interfere with you, then don't go to pubs. However, that will not work for you because you need to take your baths at the pub probably because you never actually leave the pub. The other alternative will also not work for you and that is not to have a single (or multiple) pint. The pub gremlins only strike people that are drinking because they are easy targets. You have made it quite clear to this community that you are somewhat of a lush. Asking you not to drink would be like asking a fish to breathe air, it's not going to happen. That brings me to the last option. For only $19.95, I will send you a Pub Gremiln Eradicator Kit. This kit comes with a guaranteed gremiln trap, gremlin repellant and even a gremlin gun for those really tough gremlins. But wait there's more! Act now and I will also send you a free Gremlin Zapper! It works on the same principle as a bug zapper only it attracts pub gremlins with the smell of beer. Guaranteed to zap every gremlin in the pub. All this for only $19.95, call now!

Your Only Hope in Fort Lauderdale,

MustangBarry

 Dear Your Only Hope in Fort Lauderdale,

Well I dank  nothing stronger than Tea the last few nights and since marriage I ventured into a pub on average once a month, should never have married an American, have more than four pints a week and you have a drink problem.

Thank you for the offer of a pub gremlin kit but QVC offer the same plus a Michael Jackson knockerhead for $9.99.

I think I'll just put up with the gremlins and take to wearing PVC and carrying wet wipes with me.

Ni

What is a true Brit?  Got to go, kettles boiled....Hmmm Yorkshire Tea...then I have to go kill some more Vikings on facebook

Oh enabler you couldn't be more wrong.  It was the Vikings along with the Angles, Saxons, Normans (who were Danes who ruled the north of what is now France) and others that became Brits. they didn't kill Brits they became them, for one thing there was no such thing as a Brit in those days for them to kill :)  That's why in Cumbria some of our local churches still have 10th century crosses showing the Norse myths (e.g. Gosforth) and a lot of our local placenames come from Norse when Vikings from what is now Norway lakes.com/history.html">settled here as farmers and along with the Old Welsh who migrated here, populated Cumbria.

 No insult felt.  European history isn't exactly a strong point for most Americans in the same way American history isn't a strong point for most  Europeans.  You can have the Queen, she'd look good in Disneyland, I'm a republican (in the wider meaning of the word) not a monarchist.  As far as I'm concerned the sponging royalty can get off their arses and get a job rather than have poor tax payers fund their swaning around the world talking bollocks.  That broken link should have pointed to lakes.com/history.html">here

TheNuclearOption says ...

 No insult felt.  European history isn't exactly a strong point for most Americans in the same way American history isn't a strong point for most  Europeans.  You can have the Queen, she'd look good in Disneyland, I'm a republican (in the wider meaning of the word) not a monarchist.  As far as I'm concerned the sponging royalty can get off their arses and get a job rather than have poor tax payers fund their swaning around the world talking bollocks.  That broken link should have pointed to lakes.com/history.html">here

Quite understandable (we Yank's general lack of knowledge of anything but our own squalid interests), though I do know some European history from college classes I took (a long time ago) and more recent reading, but your point is still valid.

I agree that the Queen and the Royal Family would look great at Disneyland.  The Disney Corp. could create a Royalty Word, or The World of Windsor, or something like that.  Most Americans are anglophiles and it just might sell.  So, how much do you want for them anyway?

Dear MustangBarry,

Why is it that every time I brush my teeth with my toothbrush and brush my tongue, I gag. But when I give my boyfriend oral sex, I don't gag?

Gagging Girl in Great Gorge

TheNuclearOption says ...

 I think they're on QVC for $999,999,999.99 with a pair of corgis thrown in for free.

Its not that they're worth that much it's just we remember how much some other American overpaid for London Bridge and QVC is well known for useless overpriced tat ;)

Its not that I hate them, it's simply a bit rich that they can't live on the income from their Duchies and come cap in hand to the tax payer for grants, loans and for keeping their cousins in palaces while only allowing us to enter them at great cost, if at all.  After all, we payed for them, first in our forefathers blood and then in our forefathers and our taxes.  It would be a bit like the nation funding a museum but only the top 0.001% of the country are ever allowed to look inside.

That and when Prince Charles takes over we'll have a fruit loop homeopathic idiot who can't even be trusted to put his own toothpaste on his toothbrush representing the country and wanting to take it backwards to when serfs doffed their caps at the rulling class.

Well $999,999,999.99 is a bit beyond my means, and even Disney might choke on it.  We'll have to think about it.

I did some business travel to continental Europe a few years ago and I was struck by how many European states still have monarchs.  Belgium, for instance.  It totally blew me away that the seat of the EU would have a monarch.  I think it's time for another revolution.

But we Yanks have a related problem.  Our Nazi extreme right loves its billionaires, even if the Nazi in question is poverty stricken, without health care, living in a mobile home, etc.  They seem to love those with inherited wealth, e.g. Paris Hilton.  I think we should be taxing estates so that no more than $1 million is inheritable.  Let the billiionaires descendants get a job and fight for a living like the rest of us. 

I've never udnerstood how the working poor in some parts of this country still support the Nazi Republican agenda of "trickle down economics" which is a euphemism for protecting the wealth of the rich on the theory some of the money will find its way to the shrinking middle class and the poor. 

Okay, I'm off my soapbox.

lmao Barry, I <3 you!

Dear Sadden in-situ,

Geez, your life sucks! Not only that but you are dragging two kids along with you. All your kids want is for you to be happy. By now, they have accepted the separation and are ready to move on but you are holding them back with your indecision. Your ex has moved on and the relationship that you had with him is irretrievable. (You do need to get a lawyer concerning child support, you and your children are due a financial commitment from him that is fair by law.) Your boyfriend is a putz, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, literally! I bet if you cut off the sex, then he won't be around much longer. Try it! Cut off the sex from him and see what happens. You have to know if he is just interested in the sex or if he will support you through these trying times. Why would you want to marry this guy and have a kid with him if he doesn't really love you for who you are? You deserve better than that and so do your kids. Speaking of kids, why is your biological clock ticking when you already have two kids? Did I miss something? LOL Anyway, first things first, you need to take action. Either get a commitment from your boyfriend or force him to make one. It's not fair to you to be held back from finding someone else that has your best interests at heart. You are a very attractive woman, you shouldn't have any trouble at all finding another suitor. Assert yourself, girl, you deserve it!

Assertive in Fort Lauderdale,

MustangBarry

Dear Michelle,

My sister, Robin, had her first child at age 41 after 15 years of marriage. Now at 43, she is trying for a second child because she doesn't want her son to be an only child. However, she had a miscarriage trying again that left her devastated. She picked up the pieces and tried again because the doctors told her it was just a fluke. She got pregnant again and was so happy she had to tell everyone. This time she ended up with a tubal and had to undergo surgery to have it removed. I don't know if she is going to try again because she is still recovering from the surgery. My point is that there comes a time when you have to accept that it is game over and just be thankful for the children you have. Having children later in life is just too risky. Not only for the mother but also for the child ( Down's syndrome ).

Sympathetic in Fort Lauderdale,

MustangBarry

[Time for the Nuclear Option.  You asked for this keeping your imaginary problems to yourselves.] 

Dear amour médecin sans problèmes

I shall shortly be going to an old friend's wedding reception without a significant other.  Believe it or not the wedding is in a place called Letchworth  [now that's what I call ammo!!!] on the other side of the country.  Other than plastic surgery and a course in hypnotism are there any ways to connect with a new significant other while at the reception whether for a night of passion or to light that all important spark of a new relationship that do not involve rophynol, catering size portions of chocolate and duck tape?

Yours

Letchworthy in Letchworth

[N.B. This problem is for entertainment only and should not be taken to mean the author endorses the use of rophynol, chocolate or duck tape as legitimate tools of seduction...or if you want to be picky...kidnapping and keeping in your hotel room till they fall in love with you or will do anything for a cucumber sandwich (the type cut into triangles) and a cup of tea]